The 6 Most WTF Moments From Shakespeare Plays

Subject: The 6 Most WTF Moments From Shakespeare Plays Wed Jun 08, 2011 2:11 am

Full article here:

http://www.cracked.com/article_19245_the-6-most-wtf-moments-from-shakespeare-plays.html

The 6 Most WTF Moments From Shakespeare Plays

Quote :: #2.Mortal Enemies Decide to Just be Gay Instead

The Setup:

The titular character in the play Coriolanus is one of Rome's most popular generals, and the bravest, most bloodthirsty warrior in the military. After being driven from Rome in a political coup, Coriolanus decides to take advantage of the "Outside the Box Military Solutions" conference he went to at the Roman Marriott and show up to his mortal enemy's house half-naked to try to form an alliance.

Aufidius, who spends the first three Acts of the play trying to kill Coriolanus, throws his arms around his enemy's body and launches into the most homo-erotic speech in Shakespeare, describing among other things the various wet-dreams he has had about Coriolanus.

Wait, WTF?

The play states that Coriolanus is driven out of Rome in "mean attire," basically meaning the rags of a beggar. Underwear wasn't a huge priority in ancient Rome, so he free-balls it to Aufidius' house and throws himself at the mercy of his sworn enemy. This is Aufidius' response:

Aufidius: Know thou first
I loved the maid I married; never man
Sigh'd truer breath; but that I see thee here,
Thou noble thing! More dances my rapt heart
Than when I first my wedded mistress saw
Bestride my threshold.

-- Coriolanus, Act IV Scene v, Lines 116-121

Or, translated into bro-speak: Dude, I'm totally into my wife and all, but looking at your sick abs and rockin' body, I'm seriously hornier than I was when I had sex with my wife for the first time.

He continues:

Aufidius: Thou has beat me out
Twelve several times, and I have nightly since
Dreamt of encounters 'twixt myself and me;
We have been down together in my sleep
Unbuckling helms, fisting each other's throat
And waked half dead with nothing.

-- Coriolanus, Act IV scene v, Lines 124-129

Translated: You've beaten me out ... in combat 12 times, and every night afterward I had raging boner wet dreams about you and me getting our sweat-wrestle on, fisting each other's ... throats, and afterward I woke up "half-dead" (post orgasm) "with nothing" (boner depleted, covered in my own love-juice).

Now imagine Ralph Fiennes and Gerald Butler doing this scene come November this year.

They vow to attack Rome together, and literally leave the stage hand in hand. This is basically like if Batman and the Joker decided about two hours into The Dark Knight to call their whole blood feud off and open a day spa together.

Oh my titting lord.

The 6 Most WTF Moments From Shakespeare Plays 415251

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! The 6 Most WTF Moments From Shakespeare Plays 646968

Is that block of dialog in the movie, or was it cut?

William Shakespeare is a crude sick man with diarrhea of the pen.

» Shakespeare’s Rare Plays: Coriolanus Over Time
» Fiennes modernizes Shakespeare's "Coriolanus"
» Ralph Fiennes's 'Coriolanus' Modernizes Shakespeare
» USA Today - Fiennes enacts Shakespeare at every opportunity
» Cheryl Woodcock's Inaugural Moments