I can't say

What I really want to say I'm afraid I can't say, in the fear I will be exiled from the realm of fandom. I run a Gerry site, for goodness sakes! However, disallusionment doesn't even begin to cover what I'm feeling right now...

Ditto, DK. That's why I haven't been posting too much lately (that, and I've been busy). The more insider info that comes out about Gerry, the more disgusted I get. I'm not ready to wash my hands of him yet, but I am definitely feeling disillusionment.

Chin up, kids.

Don't let the reality spoil the fantasy. Few of us are naive on this site, but he still makes for great conversation.

I'm in no wise judging him, it's his business what he does. I'm just beginning to wonder if it's worth all of this time, money and effort I've put into it.

That's all I'm saying.

I have to be honest, this fandom and everything that surrounds it seems to zap the energy out of me. I've never had quite this experience in any other fandom I've been involved in. Not that there have been a lot of them, but still....

I guess I was naive when I came into this, thinking it would be all fun and games. I was wrong.

I'm so sorry, DK.

This should be fun. It's not your job to do this. It's a fun thing to do on the side, and when the fun is missing, you wonder why even try?

Whatever you decide to do, I'll be here.

Well I'm not planning on shutting the forum down any time soon.

You must meet with me in L.A!

We'll get drunk at El Campadre on Sunset Blvd. and laugh our asses off at this past year of fandom!

There is a LOT to laugh at.

XO

Yes, there is. Unfortunately, unless I find a job very, very soon, I'm afraid I won't be going anywhere for a while (except maybe the streets or the poorhouse).

I'm poor too....hence happy hour at El Coyote or El Campadre.

I ain't gonna be dressed at the premiere....I'll probably be wearing my John Lennon t -shirt amd blue jeans.

Suck up.

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE that song!

SO appropriate.

DLSPBS wrote:

GB FANTASYLAND VS. GB REALITY ???

I'll take GB reality. For me, the fantasy has to have some basis in reality. I'd rather know the truth and then choose whether or not to keep coming back or just wash my hands of him.

Well, Em....

Since I haven't seen much of you lately, I know you're serious as a heart attack when you say this.

G has dropped hints in interviews ever since I could remember about his real self....that is...a lot of his fans probably wouldn't like the real peronna very much.

I guess I'll have to take him at his word.

XO

I've had these "moments" that DK is talking about a couple of times during my fandom. There was once that I was so disgusted that he totally dropped off my radar and I felt a huge weight off of me, I know that's strange.

But eventually, I came back around, like being sucked back in. Then I realized he has me no matter how many times I try to run away.

Lately, I've felt that pang to move on again. Sort of like when you feel like you want to break up with someone. I even wrote a poem about the feeling. But I believe sometimes that when we admire someone, like an actor or musician, for their talent, what else they do sometimes doesn't matter. It affects how we look at them though and it can make us look even at their talent in a different light.

HARD TO LOVE

When was the first instant I knew
That solitary moment in time,
Consumed by overwhelming feelings,
Were they more lust than of love?
More adoration than admiration?

Beautiful face, eyes so captivating
Holding me in against my will.
Does you’re inner self match your outer?
Does that soulfulness flow from inside?
Or are you more superficial and single layered?

That which runs deeper is not so attractive?
Falling was easy, staying is challenged.
A flame burns bright in a flash
And then it is gone as quickly.

You never claimed anything but who you are,
But sometimes you claimed everything
Or was that my own misguided ideal?

Help me understand
What goes through your mind?
Where your spirit lies,
That place that is important to your soul
That voice that talks and says:

“This is who I am.
I don’t care what people think
I will do as I please, when I please
I do not have to live up to your expectations
I only have to live with the consequence of my actions
And I’m willing to take that chance to live in the moment.
Can't you see? I'm afraid it will all be gone tomorrow!
Look at me then! Don’t stop loving me! I need you now!
I am who you believe I am and I will be that person,
Just see me, I’ve always been here!”

I didn’t listen until now to what I needed to hear.
I see you with both eyes open, my heart stands by to truth
Who I thought you were to whom you really are.
But I know one thing for certain,
You are hard to love
But more difficult not to.

Ger

Ger,

Beautiful! You are a great writer. If you ever want to share more, I would love to read it.

I think most people with their eyes open have a love/hate relationship with Gerard. I only discovered him two months ago and I have never been on a fan site ever but I am sucked in, too. It's not about his looks because there are a lot of great looking guys in the world. He has talent and a way to get to you with his art when he is giving it his all.

Don't leave. I am just getting to know you!

K

Thanks, kayanne.

Ger

Just now reading this. Really beautiful poem, Ger. It's not always easy to share your own work, especially when it means laying your feelings out for others to see. Thanks for trusting us with this. You have a talent, and you've certainly captured some of my feelings about Gerry too.