Gerard Butler’s new Hugo Boss advert
‘“Diligence and dedication is what I live from day to day,” he says, the slow motion playing havoc with his grammar’
Saturday 6 December 2014 01.00 EST
“I don’t believe in less,” says dead-famous actor-pants Gerard Butler in his own head while putting on a nice shirt. Fair enough. Less than what, though? Less than perfect? Less than Jake? Less money for doing a shit poem in an advert? He sprays on his Hugo Boss aftershave, which is like Lynx Africa but more expensive. “I go all the way,” he says, as he leaves his bloody marvellous penthouse in slow motion. He doesn’t brush his teeth, though, so no kissing. Butler walks down the street without blinking, which is what all Scottish men do unless it’s really windy. “A man will never run,” he says, somehow forgetting the entire history of people-kind, from hunting sabre-toothed tigers to being Usain Bolt. “Stay noble, I say,” Butler offers, reaching into his pocket, probably for some chewing-gum. Now he’s staring down an empty street, trying to remember if he locked the front door on the way out. “Diligence and dedication is what I live from day to day,” he says, the slow motion playing havoc with his grammar, ”and you can see it in my deeds.” We can.
Eventually. Butler arrives at the river at twilight, 11 hours after leaving his apartment half a block away. He looks desperate for a piss. “Be true to yourself,” he growls, scanning the shoreline for a public toilet or lamppost to relieve himself behind while just about managing to hold it in as the credits roll, the shimmering waters tantalising his over-stretched bladder as he looks out over the iconic skyline. “Boss. Bottled. Fragrance for men,” adds a voiceover, gravely, as a suspicious-looking bottle of yellow fluid flashes across the screen.